Part 8: Episode VIII: Crawling in my Skin

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she'd been saved from acute cutscene stupidity by the ever dorky Steve Burnside. Also, idle threats by Alfred "Teehee" Ashford. With that said, let's do it...

Hey, screw you! Don't steal lines from the intro paragraph.

Steve had a very disturbed childhood. Hopefully, with constant, daily beatings and overly friendly uncles.

Yes, boys and girls. It's time for the obligatory playable sub-character section. Despite Steve being an asshole, this is one of the more enjoyable ones of the series. As it's nothing but a dozen or so zombies and a guy armed with dual machineguns to go to town. Don't worry, Steve will make up for this small laps of coolness in spades momentarily.

Did Steve always have such a goofy ass inventory screen picture? I know he got a mild redesign for the Complete/X version of the game, but I think I'd remember that severe a shiteating grin...

Anyway, Steve has a cute family portrait in his inventory. Obese alcoholic father, submissive abused homely mother, and emo flamer son. A portrait of simpler times...

Getting back to the game...

This first room contains yet another item on the mountain of needed equipment; an indigo keycard. You'll notice the grenade launcher behind there. Sure, a stick or pole of decent length could easily nudge it through the huge gaps in the bars. But that would make things far too easy.

There's a room to the north with a few zombies and a gun workstation, but that's not of particular importance now. Zombie killing is needed to be done.

Obligatory "hey, I saw this in a movie once. Aren't I cool?" pose.

The region cleared, Steve packs it up and moves on.

Steve actually has different dialogue if you use little ammo. See Bonus Content for said alternate cutscene.

Way to completely contradict yourself in back to back sentences, ace. To make no mention of contradicting your early emofest of not relying on people as well as contradicting your "blargh, I don't need anyone you'll slow me down! Look a computer hey guns!"

"Playing doctor with Alfred, my dad, and Toronto respectively."

Steve displays how nobody can understand the pain in his soul by unloading a quarter of a clip into a nearby wall. Aren't you glad you gave him the only automatic weaponry you came across instead of just shanking him and taking the Lugers, Claire?

"You have some friggin' issues..."

"Since I don't need you or anyone, but you need me or at least his reliable gun of mine... What was my teenage philosophy again? I'm lost."

A girl that's been wearing the same clothes for nearly two weeks and a guy that's probably been in the same duds for a month. The BO in that elevator must be intense...

Steve runs off and control returns to Claire.

More locked doors in this corridor. I'm going to warn you all right now. The next update is not going to be an action fest...

Claire follows Steve out to a nearby balcony of dubious structural integrity.

Whoopsie-daisy!

Steve, how did you manage to land five yards to the left from a vertical fall?

Claire has, as every token female lead in a horror setting during an accident, become stuck beneath some rubble. Also, all of her weapons rolled away across the room.

"I was until I saw you were."

Claire spots a zombie rising behind Steve.

"Well, look what the fucking cat dragged in. I thought your shit for brains ass would be dead for now. Bloody work 10 hours a day seven days a week only to come home to some limp-wristed crybaby writing in his journal about how nobody understands his suffering."

"You wanna hear about suffering, boy? Try seeing your best friend's head blown off by a Charlie ambush in the jungle. I didn't fight in 'Nam so your generation could dress up like fucking Batman."

"You can't what? Can't grow any hair other than the top of your head? Can't get that little needle dick of yours in any hole that doesn't belong to a guy named Larry? Can't take someone yelling at you without running away and tearing up like a six year old girl? Didn't I last send you to get me a beer? Did you do that for me? I'm fucking undead. I think I deserve my fucking beer."

"You worthless piece of trash. What, were you too busy changing your tampons in the bathroom?"

"And you. You little harlot. Stay away from this nancy boy. He already wears women's underwear, I don't need him trading fashion tips while he's at it. You been giving the boy ideas?"

"Yeah, that's what they all say. 'Shoot him', huh? Yeah, I've got something to shoot. Though it might be considered necrophilia at this point, darlin'."

"Did you hear me, woman!? There's a pie baking in the oven. Go fetch it!"

"I hate you..."
"What was that pathetic little sound? It wasn't something addressing the alpha dog properly."
"I said, I HATE you!!!"

*cough* "You...you were... a... mistake... Blargh..."

Nice going, Steve. Try not firing wildly every time you're remotely distressed...

Assuming that hail of bullets completely missed Claire and only struck undead Mr. Burnside.

We fade to black for a moment to the sound of Steve sobbing...


And, we're back!

"I told him Umbrella would notice an Ebay listing for !!!T-Virus Vintage Umbrella!!!"

"Though, strangely, not in that order..."

"In front of the corpse of your bullet riddled zombie papa."

One more quip for the road... Claire, I knew I liked you for a reason.

Will there be any more awkward family drama bombs? Will Steve become more likeable now that his has passed? You bet and not particularly, but find out that and more in Episode IX: Portrait of Ruin

Bonus Content

The best part of playing as Steve: Getting him eaten by zombies! He even dies screaming like a girl.
Video

Steve wasting ammo on a hissy-fit. Alternate version!
Video

Dramabomb with the Burnsides! Warning: Horrible Acting Ahead.
Video